I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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