worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
