Don't make out with my wife yet
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Quick, to the slutcave!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
