I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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