Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
