she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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