Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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