apparently the secret to your success is patron
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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