Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
