Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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