walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
