I just saw a hot homeless man
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
