Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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