My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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