got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
