i think my tv is drunk
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
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