dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
