My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
