I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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