I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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