My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
