wat bout pragnant strippers??
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
