i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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