Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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