my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
