yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
