if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
