Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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