Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
