I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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