Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
