My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
