My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
