i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
