Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
