someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
