I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
