I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
