dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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