1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
