You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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