I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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