just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
50% drunk capacity currently
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
