Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
