I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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