I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
