dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
