Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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