i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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