Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
